Blood is Not Always Thicker Than Water: Why Spy x Family, Arguably, is A Healthy Family.
Yes, you see the title. This will be my take on an anime analysis with Family Psychology as my reasoning.
I have always loved discussions about families, and I have wanted to study them for so long; it’s one of the reasons why I got into Psychology in the first place.
Then I began to read Spy x Family when it was only several chapters in, as a friend recommended me on Twitter. I love how they depicted the Forger family and always had a thought at the back of my mind, “Wow! They’re such a lovely (fake) family!”.
It was until Spy x Family was greenlit as anime and was premiered on Netflix that I was suddenly encouraged to try to look into it and elaborate even further.
(Yes, in a way, I wrote this due to peer pressure; however, I also found happiness in writing this kind of stuff, so it is okay).
So, I would like to start with the edited version of the “blood is thicker than water”:
“Blood is Not Always Thicker Than Water”
I once used this phrase when I entered a fiction writing contest in college. I explored themes where two people created a strong bond that could be qualified as family.
Back in the day, the saying “family (as in blood-related) is the most important thing” however; we must also admit that some families misused this saying as rationality to commit abuse and horrendous acts against each other.
I have witnessed several cases and stories where parents dismissed their child’s needs or committed abuse in the name of “family” while bringing it up that “blood is thicker than water.”
However, I found out that the idiom itself was even incorrectly interpreted!
According to the VOA Learning English site, the idiom was derived from “Blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” taken from The Bible. It was roughly translated as “bloodshed on the battlefield creates stronger ties than the water of the womb does or family ties.”
So... Which one is the correct one, then?
I believe there is no definitive correct answer regarding if a family is stronger when it is related by blood or not. Then I encountered the trope of “Found Family” or, as people know it,
“Family of Choice.”
As cited from San Diego Writers Ink, Found Family is a trope that refers to a device in literature and media where a group of characters finds themselves united in a family bond based on shared experiences, mutual understanding, and interpersonal connection.
You’re probably familiar with series or movie takes on this, for example, We Are The Millers, or my favorite show, Gintama. It was even seen in Avatar: The Legend of Aang series. Using this trope, as audiences, we can see this specific arrangement can bring a focus on familial love these characters may have otherwise missed into their lives or never experienced.
In addition, rather than the blood ties that may dictate some biological families, found family stories emphasize the connections and communities we choose for ourselves.
Found family resonates deeply for members of disenfranchised communities, such as those in the LGBTQ+ community, who keenly understand that unconditional love comes in all forms, and so do families (Buhbe, 2020).
And this is what happened in our main anime discussion, Spy x Family.
For background, this is the anime’s synopsis as taken from Myanimelist.net:
Corrupt politicians, frenzied nationalists, and other warmongering forces constantly jeopardize the thin veneer of peace between neighboring countries Ostania and Westalis.
In spite of their plots, renowned spy and master of disguise “Twilight” fulfills dangerous missions one after another in the hope that no child will have to experience the horrors of war.
In the bustling Ostanian city of Berlint, Twilight dons the alias of “Loid Forger,” an esteemed psychiatrist. However, his true intention is to gather intelligence on prominent politician Donovan Desmond, who only appears rarely in public at his sons’ school: the prestigious Eden Academy.
Enlisting the help of unmarried city hall clerk Yor Briar to act as his wife and adopting the curious six-year-old orphan Anya as his daughter, Loid enacts his master plan. He will enroll Anya in Eden Academy, where Loid hopes she will excel and give him the opportunity to meet Donovan without arousing suspicion.
Unfortunately for Loid, even a man of his talents has trouble playing the figure of a loving father and husband. And just like Loid is hiding his true identity, Yor — who is an underground assassin known as “Thorn Princess” — and Anya — an esper who can read people’s minds — have no plans to disclose their own secrets either.
Although this picture-perfect family is founded on deception, the Forgers gradually come to understand that the love they share for one another trumps all else.
Besides the exciting synopsis that literally screamed Found Family trope on another level, I have to say that the characters are lovely, too, and all of them are contributing to the fantastic familial dynamics they had.
Characters:
- Twilight/Loid Forger: A super-agent (I guess?) who goes with “Twilight” as his codename and is the “father” of the Forger family. He’s a brilliant, resilient, hyper-rationalized person (as cited by my soon-to-be psychologist friend, Kak Riza). Twilight is a man of a mission and is also a very responsible person. However, he is one of the people who accept his emotions as it is.
- Thorn Princess/Yor Briar/Yor Forger: A shy woman who is also a skilled assassin known as “Thorn Princess.” She is also the “mother figure” of the Forger family. She grew up with her little brother, Yuri, and loved him so much. However, due to his job, which separates them, Yor couldn’t share her love for him directly with Yuri anymore. Nevertheless, You can see how Yor has genuine affection for Anya and channeled them well.
- Anya Forger: The heart of the family who is also an Esper or a mind-reader. She immediately knows all of her “parents” secrets. Due to her love for a particular spy anime, she is excited about being an essential addition to the Forger family. However, she is also very expressive and communicates well with her “parents.”
The Forgers are a fake family. Or… Are they?
Let’s hold that thought as I explain how their dynamics work to explain how the lovely Forger family is a healthy family. But, we need to answer the matter at hand first.
How do you define family precisely?
Family turns out, never had a definitive definition. In general, how a family is defined is influenced by the social and culture of the said unit. However, sociologists are sure that families have been a resilient social unit that has survived for a very long time. I have summarized several definitions that might help you:
- American Psychiatry Association (APA): “a kinship unit consists of a group of individuals united by blood or by marital, adoptive, or other intimate ties. Although the family is the fundamental social unit of most human societies, its form and structure vary widely.”
- Good Therapy: “A family is a group of two or more people who define themselves as related by blood, marriage, or some other bond.”
- UK Essays: “According to Sociologists, the family is an intimate domestic group of people related to one another by bonds of blood, sexual mating, or legal ties. It has been a very resilient social unit that has survived and adapted through time.”
- Desai (1994), as cited in Sonawat defined: “the family as a unit of two or more persons united by marriage, blood, adoption, or consensual union, in general consulting a single household, interacting and communicating with each other.”
To conclude, you can say that in one way or another, The Forgers are maybe not your typical traditional nor conventional family. They are, however, a family though.
Now, we go to why I said that they are a healthy family.
Healthy Family Dynamics
The same as family, there is never a definitive answer of what family can consider being “healthy” in the first place. Sure, there are several common-sense answers. For example, an abusive family is unhealthy dynamics. So, with that in mind, I tried collecting 2 (two) research that defines traits of a healthy family.
The first theory is taken from the North Kingdom Human Services (NKHS) website, cited in Daniel J. Siegel’s The Developing Mind.
“A healthy family is comprised of the same qualities that are necessary for any healthy relationship: Attunement, attachment, tracking and connection.” (NKHS).
Attunement
Daniel J. Siegel defines attunement as the reactiveness we have to another person. It is the crucial process by which we form relationships. NKHS defines attunement in a more straightforward and more family-context way. When you tune in with your family, you put aside all your distractions, have a conversation, and enjoy their company.
For example, in a family, an excellent time to practice attunement with each other, is by eating dinner or breakfast together. Talking over dinner or breakfast can help parents and children to engage in a conversation with each other. And as a whole family unit, it will later allow each person in the family to have a voice and feel valued, which is an essential trait in keeping families bonded together.
Using Spy x Family as our reference, you can see how the Forgers always make time to eat dinner or breakfast together. They sat at the dining table, and sometimes, it helped them communicate with each other and understand each other well.
It was then shown that whenever Anya felt overwhelmed, Yor and Twilight immediately noticed and immediately sheltered her. Or when Anya cried during the interview, Yor and Twilight immediately responded to her distress and validated her emotions. In contrast, the interviewer himself was downplaying Anya’s feelings even though she could be seen distressed.
Attachment
John Bowlby, the person who created the term, defines attachment as “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings.” He defines attachment as the key to a healthy relationship that starts when people are still babies. He then describes four styles of attachment; secure, anxious-ambivalent, avoidant, and disorganized.
However, NKHS defines attachment as being committed to repairing damage to relationships. Being respectful in the face of conflict may create trust and attachment in each other. The more families learn to disagree and compromise and still come together anyway; the healthier attachment could be nurtured.
This dynamic could be significantly seen between Twilight and Anya. During the disagreement that they face, Twilight could be seen trying his best to listen and giving Anya space to voice out her opinions, albeit in a comedic way, like when Anya said that she didn’t want to study. Even if he disagreed with her, he never made Anya feel small about her opinions.
Tracking
NKHS defines tracking as paying attention to the details of what is happening with other members of your family and remembering to ask them about those things. It could be seen as following up after a particularly stressful day and being ready to listen to their complaints or stories for a while.
With tracking comes the ability to encourage emotions rather than discourage them. Tracking can also allow family members to feel attended to, cared for, and considered.
This definition could be easily seen in the scene where everyone who watched the episode w̶e̶n̶t̶ ̶r̶e̶c̶k̶t̶e̶d went ballistic when Eden’s interviewer disregarded Anya’s feelings. At home, Anya apologizes for her crying to Twilight, and he responds that she didn’t do anything wrong, making sure that she wasn’t at fault.
Connection
Healthy families say things every day to make each person feel special (NKHS). It came in varying forms, from building each other up to giving praise. That kind of practice is crucial in a healthy family. Remembering to highlight the qualities that make each person unique is a powerful way to build trust and connection. Talking about what makes your family unique as an individual is also a critical practice to infuse into daily life.
I see this dynamic clearly on Spy x Family’s Forgers. They notice each other and are willing to make each other feel special or needed:
- Yor compliments Anya on her new outfit.
- Anya trying to protect Yor and Twilight’s respective secrets.
- Anya soothes Twilight after a nightmare by gently patting his head.
- Twilight confirms to Yor that she is as an essential figure to Anya, as to him.
- Yor noticed whenever she saw Twilight feeling distressed.
In the manga, there is a chapter where Yor learned to cook for Twilight and Anya because she can’t cook at all. At first, Twilight and Anya were cautious about their meal. However, when they found out it was edible and delicious, they immediately praised her. We cannot also overlook how Yor and Twilight played with Anya after returning from school, as depicted in the ending song. Which. I. Love. So. Much.
Phylis Lan Lin’s Six Characteristics of a Healthy Family
Another research that I will cover is Lin’s research from 2004. He explained in his paper the characteristics of a healthy family and chose examples from the Asian-centric family.
Commitment
When family members have opportunities to participate in goal-setting and the implementation of family goals, those family members are interacting, coordinating, and working together as a team (Lin, 2004). Lin (2004) also stated that every successful family must make certain investments in time, energy, and compassion for each other.
It could be seen when they try to make Anya enter Eden Academy. While it is also Twilight’s primary mission, it could be seen how Twilight, Yor, and Anya herself voluntarily commit to it. There is no coercion whatsoever, and they are committed to working as a team.
Togetherness
In his paper, Lin (2004) described that a professor asked 1,500 children about what they think a happy family is. Interestingly, the children did not list money, a car, or a big house. They answered with the family spending time together in such activities as playing games, taking family vacations, or celebrating birthdays.
In Spy x Family, we could see how they built their togetherness by eating dinner together, going out on a family outing, making decisions together to adopt Bond, and even dedicated a vacation arc, which helped them bond as a family.
Appreciation
Lin (2004) explained that many studies had shown a high degree of mutual admiration and appreciation between members of healthy families. For example, when parents kiss their children good night, it subtly says, “You have been a good kid, and we love you very much.” to the child. It gave the child affirmation and reassurance of their good behavior during the day.
In Spy x Family, it could be seen since Episode 1, when Anya passed the test and Twilight expressed his appreciation and joy by lifting her up and praising her hard work! He gave her validation about her hard work joyfully, and Anya received that appreciation kindly.
Good communication
Lin (2004) expressed that good communication creates a sense of belonging, reduces frustration, and enhances marital and any human relations. As a person, good communication skills and becoming a good listener are fundamental skills. Sure, it takes practice to be a great listener and communicator, but this is crucial in family life education. Which later encourages all family members to express their emotions and feelings to each other freely.
Good communication does not only entail delivering the message, it also entails responding to a message. It includes verbal and nonverbal messages.
The difference between a healthy and unhealthy family is that the former’s solution to the conflict is not to back the other into the corner. They would use creative or constructive solutions to their conflict (Lin, 2004).
Healthy communication is the key to EVERYTHING. However, I would like to highlight Twilight’s responsiveness toward Anya’s needs and how he went his way to help her with them. As I have been saying, Twilight has created a very healthy atmosphere that encourages Anya and Yor to communicate their worry and opinion freely without being scrutinized or invalidated by Twilight himself. I mean, sure, they have some setbacks, but what family didn’t?
Spiritual Well-Being
Healthy families stress spiritual well-being and work toward a common mission (Lin, 2004). According to the paper, healthy families know their family’s mission, values, what they are all about, and their reason for being. In addition, they can also put their moral values into action.
To be honest, I haven’t seen this point being visible in The Forgers dynamics. However, it could be safely assumed that they all have the same value, though a bit twisted, to make Anya happy and succeed in her studies. Anya herself dedicated herself to studying so Twilight’s mission could succeed and peace within the world could be achieved. But I could be wrong.
Coping with crisis and stress.
I always say that crisis and stress are typical in life. It is also normal to see it in families. Lin (2004) wrote that healthy families might also face many problems.
The main difference is that members of healthy families can face reality and creatively, systematically, and rationally overcome crises together. In certain difficult times, family members must depend on each other’s mutual trust and interdependence (Lin, 2004).
This is something that I think became a running gag of the series because Twilight is indeed a very independent, aloof superspy, but due to the lack of control he has over his adopted daughter, Twilight is somewhat “forced” to put his trust in Anya. He had a rough time with it. However, he slowly adapted and just accepts.
There aren’t any arcs that describe them deliberately coping with stress together, but it could be seen when Anya was not accepted into Eden. They were stressed out, but they tried to do it together as a family.
After the two research I present, as well as the elaboration with Spy x Family as the references, I would also like to list the last two critical things that can make a family healthy:
1. Responsibility
Creating a family is not an easy task, and so does maintaining it. Sometimes, all we see is how to create a family or build a family; little that it talks about how to keep one. Thus, we need to be responsible for it too. We need to be responsible while creating it and maintaining it.
I mentioned earlier that Twilight is a very responsible man. I believe that his responsibility is one of the reasons he was able to create and maintain the healthy Forger family, not just from the outside perspective but also from the insider perspective.
2. Voluntary Act
While writing this article, I began to build a belief that we cannot force a family bond. What makes a family healthy and strong is how the family members voluntarily act to be active and responsible for being involved in the said family.
This is also what we see in the Forgers. Though initially reluctant, Twilight’s involuntary act of creating the family became a voluntary one. He adopted Anya and voluntarily borrowed books about parenting and children to become a Father. Though also reluctant at first, Twilight asked Yor to be the Mother, and eventually, he grew accustomed to Yor’s presence in the family.
These two last aspects complement each other, and for me, it is the answer to the “why do these three exhibit a more familial aura than other people who have a blood-relation family?” question.
With this essay flushed out, I can say for certain that the Forgers are a healthy and one of the wholesomest families that I have seen for a while from anime that I have watched.
Sure the intention is to create a fake family to succeed in a mission. However, the feelings and affection they have for each other are real and pure.
After all, I don’t think fake families exist. However, I believe that found family does exist and their love is genuine.
Do you agree with me? or Nah? Let me know.
