People who knew me, both from Internet or real-life, would immediately know that I love anime and I was proud of it. However, it wasn’t always that way. #WorldMentalHealthDay2021
I love anime so much that I am pretty sure it has became a part of my identity. A part of “oh this is Andin!” kind of thing. A lot of the close people in my life told me that too. A lot of them would tell that I couldn’t go a week without spamming my social media accounts with the current anime or mangas that I followed. They knew.
However, it was not used to be this way, especially when I was still a teenager. I grew up during a time where everyone was very judgemental to people who like anime. Nowadays, I understand why everyone was pretty judging about my liking towards anime.
Animes used to have a really bad rep back then.
My first manga was Detective Conan when I was in kindergarten. Yes, I grew up reading several Conan’s murder cases because my older brother loves to read them. It was then developed when Detective Conan and Naruto began to taking over the Indonesian television channel. Detective Conan aired at 9 AM every Sunday morning whilst Naruto aired at 6 PM every weekdays on Global TV.
I remember having so much fun watching them. Until, the news started to rolling out.
People who liked anime during the late 2000s probably have heard the news about children choking each other, punching each other, or got into this huge fight because “they watched too many Naruto episodes”. Parents and school began to ban the children from watching Naruto and other anime alike. At one point, I feel really embarrassed and shame when admitting that I still borrowed Naruto comics from a library near my school or drawing any anime-like arts.
I used to feel like a weird kid who didn’t know how to talk to other people; and anime, I think, was one of the reason why.
(Turns out, it wasn’t anime’s fault. I just have a pretty severe anxiety issues when I was a child, or maybe that’s just how I felt back then).
My Experiences with Anxiety Issues as A Teenager
The anxiety grew worse when I entered junior high school. As a teenager who is highly self-conscious about her appearance and who also had a traumatic experience on being exiled by her classmates during elementary school; I was very, very closed off about my liking with anime. I now realized that this created a terrible dilemma for me.
Teenagers, especially female, had this overwhelming need to fit with their peer groups, yet they also have this incredible need to be noticed and explored themselves. I wanted to fit in with my classmates so much, however it pained me so much that I have the need to hide the fact that I liked anime to them. I didn’t feel like myself back then.
The situation stayed for a month or so until I met my desk mate who introduced herself to me and said that she liked reading Pucca on her down time. I was then also introduced to several classmates who like anime as well. Most of them are girls and one even taught me to improve my drawing skills.
However, my junior high school clique was very closed off, often times also we were made fun of by other students. It definitely hurts back then but I kinda understand the reason why other students did that, even though I sure do hope that tradition had died down.
Additionally, I was also closed off to other people except my clique. I didn’t know how to communicate with people without feeling my breath hitches on my throat thinking that they would ridiculed me because I like anime or shortness of breath after thinking that they would judged me so hard after knowing that I liked anime.
(Yes, it was that bad.)
I would also heard bad and awful stories about people who stated that they like anime. Stories about how they would be ostracized by their friends and community, how they would get bullied by other people and was told that it’s really weird for them to liking them. The stories scared the shit out of me and I tried so hard not to show that side of myself openly.
I would hear the new music in radio that my older brother used to play when we drove to school in an attempt to soothe myself so I can engage with my other friends and classmates as well. Back then, it honestly felt like a chore because I remember forcing myself to even like the music that I normally didn’t like. But the thought that liking anime was for loser stuck at the back of my head and the thought of that when people realizing that I was one, scared the living hell out of me and it outweighs everything.
However, at the same time, I discovered *sparkle* INTERNET *sparkle*. Yes, I made my twitter account when I was 13 years old and was immediately greeted by so many people who had the same interest like me.
Internet
Being a 13 year old in internet, especially twitter in 2010, is not recommended. However, I did met a lot of kind people there. People that I have parted ways, that have left the internet, and people who stayed until now (and a small portion of them are now one of my close friends). From here and on, I learn to began accept myself because there are people who are like me. Who like the same things like me, whose head are probably 70% anime materials back then. It helped a lot.
So, if you’re wondering why I am so in touch with the internet and social media (and even worked on the social media division in my company), it’s because I basically grew up in the internet.
The anxiety of people knowing that I love anime and would leave me in a heartbeat; sizzles down as I entered high school. I parted ways with most of my close friends in junior high but I met several of my best friends (until now) in high school. Two of them, didn’t even like anime but they stayed friends with me.
The Growth of Anime
In 2012, the internet anime community was fuzzing about this particular sports anime: Kuroko no Basket. It was such a huge thing that I met and connected with so many talented people in the internet. Some even stayed in contact and I have met in real life also.
It was then followed by the mega-hit-yes-I-watched-it-when-the-first-episode-aired, Attack on Titan. My classmates at school watched it and began asking me about spoilers. They would gushed and complained about their characters to me.
That was the first time in my whole life that I feel safe about my identity as someone who liked anime.
Not only in the internet community but also in my real-life community as well.
Another moment was when I was in my senior year of high school. Haikyuu!’s anime just came out and my friend and I would sneak to watch some new episodes during lunch time together. I remember feeling very anxious when some of the boys came out to me and noticing that I was watching an anime. Some of them did the, “Weeyy nonton apaan tuh” “Wiiihh voli” which I found incredibly annoying and anxiety-inducing back then; but I paid no attention.
At one point, my friend and I were too engrossed with the episode when there was a sudden, collective scream behind us. This made both of us jumped from our seat and realizing that four of our classmates were watching with us the entire time. They complained and asked me to back up the episode, even told me to put in on speaker because they were curious. I remember feeling amused. The four classmates watched my laptop, watched anime characters running around chasing a volleyball, engrossed and didn’t make a snide comment about it.
“Oh.” I remember as the realization slowly formed inside my head. “They don’t find watching anime weird.”
College however was when everything, everything, really take off.
University Days and Self-Acceptance
A short version: there was a Japanese club in my Psychology department. I was the President there for a year.
Longer version: I was somehow dubbed as someone who knew her ways and recommendations with anime by most of my batchmates. Even during our first year. A friend of mine even said, “you looked like someone who like to watch anime” when we talked about our first impressions. I remember laughing it off.
I joined the Japanese club and became a very active member there. There weren’t that many kids who joined but it was enough for me. For me, it was another place beside the internet where I feel comfortable about my identity as someone who likes anime. I was given a real-life community to interact. To talk about anime and mangas that I like without having to logging in Twitter. I also can talk about my college stuffs and problems with them. It was honestly one of the reason why I enjoyed my college days so much.
Slowly but surely, I managed to plant my identity firmly that I like anime.
The anxiety that I used to have as a teenager back then slowly diminished. I had a community where I could feel safe about my liking towards anime and amazing friends, most of them didn’t joined the Japanese club, but is willing to accept and befriend me for who I am.
I started writing content about my favorite anime, manga, and analyze them from a psychological perspective. One of the student council member liked it and asked me if I was willing to write one for their website. It boosted my confidence and I started to write more and more stuffs. (Some, sadly, never made to publicity hehe).
My mother never complained again about me watching anime like she used to back then. When she knew that I learned so much biology from Cells At Work in comparison to my biology at school, she even reprimanded my father who made a comment. I remember her saying, “Let her be! She’s finally learning biology! She used to have her tests retake in high school!”
(I did learn a lot from Cells At Work and I also remember the horror in my mother’s face when I told her I learn that sneezes carry germs from this.)
Here, I began noticing the anime growth as an industry. Especially when Makoto Shinkai’s Kimi no Na Wa or Your Name aired in the Indonesia cinemas. I already watched it when the movie hit the cinemas and had told some of my friends in the Japanese club to watch them. What I didn’t expect however, was the messages that I got from several of my friends, most of them are not in Japanese club whatsoever, complaining that Ki mi no Na Wa was so good that they cried and they began to ask what kind of movies that they can watch to feel like that again.
It grew even bigger from then. I listened to stories on some of my college friends asking me for my HDD so they can copy some of my collections, approaching me to ask anime recommendations, and eventually, some even praised me for my success on balancing college life and catching up animes that I like (spoiler: I did not actually).
One of the highest peak when I was approached and was asked to write an article about Carl Jung’s personality theory based on Persona 5 and was even got offered a job. I was so overwhelmed with so many emotions, one of them are being so proud, that at that moment, I honestly didn’t know how to react.
It was also the moment where I realize, “oh, I can channel my love for anime, my love for psychology, and my love for writing; and then I just, write them down.”
The external validation at one point was so intense that I think it contributed to one of the reasons my self-esteem was gradually grew and eventually, I feel okay with my identity as someone who like anime.
Now, at 24 year old, I feel really comfortable of myself and the fact that I greatly enjoy anime. The bigger communities began to accept that animes are something worthwhile, easier access for contents, and everyone right now are familiar that some animes are worth of their time.
I also think that growing up and adulting also contribute to this aspect. I used to only since I only wanted to watch anime, nothing more. Yet, as I got older, interacted with many kind of people helped me to shift that perspective. I started to pick up other kind of entertainments too, like US television series and even K-pop. And it felt different than back then. I pick up those things for myself, not for the notion on being accepted in a group.
I began to consume those media because they make me happy and eventually, they make me feel like “Andin” whole-heartedly.
Nowadays, long have gone the days of constant anxieties about whether or not people find it weird that I like anime. I know and I accept that may weirded people out and it’s okay. It’s just the way I am now.
However, if you asked what will I do if that identity stripped away from me, I honestly could not answer. I think I may be shaken and shocked for a while, however, I think I would eventually, get back up again.
Thank you for reading this terrible ramble and a self-reminder letter that I wrote to myself. I hope in a way or another, you also could find a way to accept yourself as a whole.
Happy World’s Mental Health Day, people.
