i had this in my draft since october last year. and as i read this again, i laughed and i wanted to put it out there. so here we go:
this year world mental health day 2024, i wanted to try something different.
i was swamped with work and college and decided to use this medium piece to do self-reflection on turning twenty-seven. for some people, turning 27 shouldn’t be a big deal but for me, it somehow is.
i treated getting older as a unique experience because here’s the thing: there were several instances i never believed that i would reach a certain age. if we’re being honest, i remember that maybe my life would end at 19.
i don’t think it was a suicidal ideation or illness-related, but i think it was just how my brain works at that time — that i could not fathom myself turning older. i did not know when it started, but i think it was when i was 17 years old.
i think by 17, we collectively all have this kind of understanding that life is… pretty hard. and i remember asking myself whether i could continue on. there were many, many things happening all at once and it was so overwhelming for me.
when i was 17 years old, just a normal high-school student stressing out because i had to picked what college that i want to get into and what major i wanted, and specifically: whether i could achieve that feat.
i didn’t know there was a life to explore after i turned 18, 19 — every age of that matters. especially turning 27. there is something weird that i feel when i get older and reached an odd age number — it is weird.
i have several theories but the main lies in my understanding of i did not know what turning 27 would feel like. so, if i reflected on past experiences, the simple answer would be an: i did not even know how my life would look like when i turned 27.
(i don’t think i have a full, thorough answer for this one too)
27 is such a funny age number for me.
i remember back then, thinking when i was 17, “wow i will have my life together when i reached 27!” and now i am 27 and it feels like everything is just same — i am just one year older (and another year away from 25 where i, and my other fellow 25+ friends, are consider an ancient being in the country where we came from).
i, in fact, did not have my life together in 27.
at every waking moment, i was sure that i just messed my life even more.
i am pursuing my masters, however i was always bombarded with constant questions whether i wanted to pursue PhD (and i know they always meant well) and i always laugh at that question. i am grateful to be asked that questions, because it seems like they view me as someone who would want to dedicate another five years in my life working in academia.
still thinking about it though. don’t have the answer now.
i am single but but it feels like there were too many inquiries whether or not i am planning to marry and settle down (and i know they meant well). i found my perfect response lately. it would be smiling meekly and asked for their prayers so that someone will take me as their beloved wife. in all honesty again, i didn’t know whether that will happen anytime soon.
i could go into a huge blabbering mess if i talk about my romance life so let’s just cut it here.
i am once again, figuring out what i wanted to do with my life. it is a funny statement because i am sure that it is something that my 17 year old me would not have guess that i would throw myself once again in this whirlwind future-related anxious pool of thoughts.
but i think that’s the cycle, yes? you exposed yourself with more knowledge and information and you’re retracing your steps in life once more.
life has been even tougher for 27 year old me.
however, there are still things that are familiar to me when i turned 27. and it brought me comfort that the andin essence haven’t disappeared even though i am 3 numbers away from turning 30:
i still enjoy watching detective conan in an unhealthy amount.
i had this one phase where i was overly-critical with how aoyama gosho wrote conan and the cases which prompted me to stop reading. however, nowadays it is different. i just engaged with the series for the sake enjoyment and experiencing joy.
i watched conan’s movie 27 (!) last august with couple of my close friends and i remember laughing so hard because i was enjoying myself to the fullest. i did not focus on how heiji was able to stood upright on top of a flying plane, all i knew was heiji was going to win that swordfight in an amazing way. i feel like reverting back to how i viewed conan 20 years ago — which is fun.
i think it is true when they said getting older might be a way for you to appreciate things even more.
my favorite character in conan is amuro tooru
— though i really love referring him as rei, as his true name is furuya rei. i didn’t like him because he was cool, an undercover agent with three faces and identities, or the fact that he was able to drive recklessly without being reprimanded by the police or that he could jump from Hikarie Shibuya building into a flying helicopter — no.
i like him because on how i interpret him through my own lens of view. my friends (and many conan fans) would disagree with me because i view rei as someone who craves for connections, where a close friend of mine jokingly said, “don’t project yourself into him, kak”. and i agreed, i might be projecting myself.
but that’s the thing: projecting my issues into fictional characters have helped me tons in navigating my own issues and problems. i feel like a third-person watching things unfolded and how i should appropriately reacted if this was a controlled-environment.
i did not only do this with rei. i had an original character, Karin, who fell into victim of my projection as well. i even gave my writings on her to my therapist who somehow, was amused by it. i also showed that to some friends who were either surprised that i have the ability to do that, or just nodded their head and said, “this is so you.” while giggling when reading my writings.
(because they would throw, “which cokipop guy that you will write this time, ndin?”)
before i have people coming to tell me how unhealthy this is, i agree. this is probably a highly, extreme version of intellectualizing emotions. however, it was helpful for me to also express myself better. i write about my issues a lot — TONS even.
it was kinda hard to write what i am feeling as is (i usually do this by saying out loud and it helps), but it was fairly easy to write when i am not the one experiencing it. in the end, my writings was a way of me expressing myself.
it did not help that my friends (bless their hearts, really) and even my psychologist said that “well, if it’s helpful for you, i don’t see why you should stop doing it.” and so i kept on doing it.
it is now february 2025 and i have around, twenty-three? or twenty-four of personal short stories that i wrote to process my emotions and issues. i usually wrote them with my emotional lens first, and then i’ll dissect them rationally, intellectualizing it in the process.
this process is still hilarious for me because i remember a friend told me, “kak, you’re basically acting as a psychologist for yourself” and truthfully, they are not wrong.
i feel like i have a huge control when it came to me writing about stories where i project my issue and it certainly served as my safe space in processing the highly intense emotions and other feelings and thoughts that followed.
my therapist (and honestly, most of my friends who held degree in psychology) said that i do have a huge neuroticism tendencies, where i worry about a lot of things and reminding that i always have control when i have my microsoft word opens and everything (and i mean everything can happen when i write them — it was powerful).
however, by doing this also, i feel like i was really attune to my emotions, values, my inner thoughts, my experiences, and how i would respond to stress and crisis. it would eventually end with “you know what? let’s write it down and have furuya rei or karin experienced what we just experience. just for fun, you know?”
i find that it was fun — being a complete mess of myself, processing my own emotions to be calmer, and eventually arrived in a headspace that i could articulate what i felt and how i would intellectualize them.
and that’s something weird in my 27 years of age of living.
but hey, a bunch of people told me that this is my first time living in this life and i agree with them wholeheartedly.
it is something that i always told my mentees: there is no an appropriate guide to live as yourself or living your life. it is something that we actively pursue, actively trying to understand, and sometimes might face one or two setbacks. and i tried to always repeat that to myself as well.
i don’t have a guideline on how i should be living as andin. i could just, live.
so to conclude, i am sure i have tons of weird things that happened in my life now that i am 27 and i am more sure that more weird things about myself would eventually emerges when i turn 28, 29, 30, and so on. it is painfully scary but also exciting.
one thing for sure: i think right now, i am currently content where life will bring me as i age.
i hope that does not change anytime soon.
thank you for reaching 27, ndin. and for you who read this funny piece of mine, thanks for reading it until the end.
